I think my most difficult part of motherhood needs to be shared. This was one of my most challenging obstacles and breastfeeding has reached the tippy top to that mountain. Why is breastfeeding so hard?
I am in love with the relationship my baby and I have, the relationship I always dreamed of. An intimate safe space in all ways, always. Confident to say it has gone a long way due to breastfeeding. Extremely proud of myself for accomplishing 8 months of it, now 16 more to go!
Breastfeeding “Sounds Easy” To Me
Listen, “The days are long, but the years are short.”
Said every parent ever and I’m sure I will be sitting on my couch with a glass of wine, whining about how I miss holding August in my arms when he was a baby. This is likely sooner than I think.
Breastfeeding just has that “this is gonna be easy” ring to it. “Pshh, what could be so hard about breastfeeding?” Not one woman in my family really breastfed, and I didn’t understand why. It sounded like cake to me. Not until my doctor announced how necessary it was for me to get induced, did I meet a breast pump. To realize, OW pumping mf hurts, what is this?!
A Nurse With No Bed-Side Manners: CALL A REPLACEMENT
Many nurses instructed me to try some natural induction methods before the pitocin kicks in. Common ways to induce labor include exercise, breast stimulation, red raspberry leaf tea, pineapples, dates; usually ones that end up in sex. (liked that pun huh?) But yes it is true, sex is a fun effective strategy, look it up!
The hospital provided me a manual breast pump (which is my favorite pump I still use today) and I, all of a sudden became in charge of my pump’s intensity. Therefore my low-tolerable-self couldn’t handle much, the smallest amount of pressure gave me anxiety. Anxiety was the exact opposite effect of what we wanted to gain from this. I had assumed this meant that I needed to use an alternative: exercise. Unfortunately the nurse didn’t provided any guidance while I was pumping, so I unknowingly did nothing to help. I had quit before I even started… I knew I was doing something wrong but I honestly wasn’t ready to find out why.
Day 7 Postpartum
Fast forward to Day 7 after giving birth, I am trying to make sense of feeding my newborn; while still having zero knowledge, nor tips during my stay at the hospital. Later I found out how much these breastfeeding essentials changed the game.
How to properly help baby express milk from my breasts. First of all, my nipple sensitivity was intense. I couldn’t withstand the cold just because it would cause my nipples to constrict and make my bones stiffen. Every part of nursing made me clench.
Jaundice In My Newborn
Full disclosure, my son had jaundice his first month of life which meant my son was always sleepy, he ended up sleeping at my breast. In turn I thought it meant he was full or constantly milk drunk. No, my son was barely drinking a quarter of an ounce at a time.
Witnessing August lose weight every day that passed broke my heart. Ah, that’s a conversation for another day. I was always told after you leave the hospital most babies lose weight but at this point I needed to take him to his pediatrician. Who had broken to me the news, that August lost two pounds.
August barely ate from the effects of his jaundice. His pediatrician suggested that I begin pumping to figure out the approximate ounces of milk I’ve been expressing. If all else fails I would’ve had to substitute with formula until my supply increased. Let me tell you how exhausting and mentally draining pumping was for me day 1.
Pumping created an alternate reality in my mind. A reality that, THIS is my only purpose and my milk is ALL I will be good for. Which just enhanced my postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. I have been a yogi and meditator for 6 years by this time, so my knowledge on breathing techniques and looking at the endless album of baby pictures, helped push me through those circulating thoughts.
A Mother’s Self-Worth Needs Attention
The role of a mother requires consistent discipline, patience and selflessness. Those words might be easy to read but very hard to achieve when your mental health is always being tested.
Truthfully and unapologetically the moment I saw that milk flowing, I felt the high of an uncontrollable amount of winning wealth. Liquid gold was flowing out of me…. nothing could tear me down. Tears were filling my floors. I just fed my child with my boobs, whose purpose has now changed. (Breast)Feeding my baby was one of MANY commodities that keep this human alive, for FREE. Whether I had substituted with formula or not, I simply did not want all my effort in countless hours, connected to a pump in the corner of my nursery for 45 minutes every two hours, to go to waste.
My mind was incredulous at the simple fact I made it here! That was when Destiny knew… she was capable of any thing LOL I just needed to put my head down and FOCUS
Part 2
If you want to know my breastfeeding journey 8 months later, read part 2: the common breastfeeding problems. It follows with tears, consistency, help, resources, alone time, and love.
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